Fearful avoidant attachment style, also known as anxious avoidant attachment style, makes you need others very strongly. However, at the same time, you are afraid of being too close to someone. Your relationships, therefore, tend to be turbulent and often dramatic.

It can be agonizing to crave intimacy but feel trapped when you get it. This article will show the path towards dealing with a fearful avoidant attachment style so that you can finally enjoy healthier and fulfilling relationships. 

You will learn:

• What fearful avoidant attachment is
• Causes of fearfully avoidant style
• How this attachment style can affect your life
• How to deal with fearful avoidant attachment

What Is Fearful Avoidant Attachment?

Fearful avoidant attachment style means that a person feels both an anxious need for another, and an urge to evade intimacy. These contradicting needs can be felt at the same time. This causes seemingly irrational behavior towards one’s partner. A painful spiral of always approaching and then fleeing, only to be drawn back again characterizes their relationships.

People with fearful avoidant attachment are torn. They tend to be wavering between a desire to form close bonds with others and the fear of getting hurt and betrayed.

For a person with this anxious attachment style, romantic relationships are a source of massive ambivalence. They can come off as clingy and needy. Then, all of a sudden, they run away at the first sign of true intimacy. It can be confusing for both the fearfully avoidant person and their partner.

Avoidance serves as a shield from too much pain. A subconscious belief guides a fearfully avoidant person. It is the conviction that those who are closest to them will leave and hurt them. This is why they get terrified of closeness—the more emotionally invested they become, the more pain they expect to feel once betrayed.

People with a fearful avoidant attachment may show signs such as:

• Feeling conflicted about relationships and people, at the same time wanting and avoiding them
• Tumultuous, chaotic, emotionally explosive relationships
• Seeking out flaws in partners and using them as the reason for ending the relationship
• Clinginess and neediness, as well as fear of not being good enough for the partner
• At the same time, as soon as they are reassured about the partner’s commitment, they withdraw and resist true intimacy

What Causes Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style?

Attachment styles were initially observed and researched during the 1960s by John Bowlby, the founder of the attachment theory. Back then, the theory was directed towards understanding how children attach to their parents.

When parents are responsive and loving, secure attachment forms. However, when parents are abusive, cold and distant, or chaotic in their responses, children become insecurely attached to them. Such an attachment can either manifest itself as emotional avoidance or anxious, dependent behavior.

With time, researchers noticed that it does not end there. Childhood attachment style seems to transfer to our adult relationships as well. In that regard, Freud used to cite Wordsworth: “The Child is father of the Man.”

The original classification of attachment styles, however, did not manage to encapsulate people who were disorganized in their relationships. A small percentage of adults had a combination of both signs of avoidance and anxiety. Those whose parents did not manage to offer a secure response when they were afraid or hurting as children often became fearfully avoidant.

You might remember that your mother, for example, got livid when you fell down at the playground. Instead of being comforted and reassured that it is going to stop hurting, you got even more scared when you looked at her angry face. As a result, your need for consolation was never met. You ended up needing others but also dreading them.

How Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Life

As humans, we are naturally wired to seek out companionship—be it friendships or romance. We do need other people in our lives. However, when you are also petrified of closeness, your whole life could be adversely affected by those conflicting needs. Unless you do something about it, that is, and we will show you how.

Unstable and toxic relationships

The most apparent effect of fearful avoidant attachment style is erratic relationships. Because you want but fear affection, your relationships are often a rollercoaster of emotions. Unfortunately, research revealed that anxious avoidant people are also more likely to get involved with violent partners than others.

In that way, the prophecy of being hurt by the one they love gets fulfilled. Our subconsciousness will always find ways to make our beliefs happen. This is why you need help from someone who understands the workings of your subconscious mind. Marisa Peer, a world-renowned therapist and the founder of Rapid Transformation Therapy^® (RTT^®), deciphered the rules of the mind. Read on to learn how you can use her expertise to work towards healthier, safe relationships, and the areas in your life that are most impacted by fearful avoidant attachment.

Casual sex

A study by two researchers, psychologists Nicolas Favez and Herve Tissot, determined that fearful avoidant attachment style could affect how you approach sex. Casual sex could be a way of avoiding the anxiety that comes with long-term relationships for someone with this attachment style.

According to Favez and Tissot, this is the one attachment style that comes with the greatest psychological and relational risks. Their study found that fearfully avoidant individuals have more sexual partners and are more sexually compliant. Such behavior, however, could bring about immense health problems, as well as social disapproval that could affect self-esteem.

Low self-confidence

Fearfully avoidant people are also low in self-confidence. This is not surprising. As we said earlier, our lives are directed by our subconscious beliefs. You expect to be hurt and dismissed by others. However, you are aware that such an expectation requires a solid justification. Your mind found it in a belief that you are not lovable.

Needless to say, low self-esteem can cause many issues for you along the way. You could, as we already learned, seek toxic, abusive partners who will keep telling you that you are unworthy. Your life could also be affected in other areas. You might not pursue your ambitions and underperform academically and professionally.

Finally, you could end up feeling terrible most of the time, that is, have emotional disturbances.

However, you do not need to live your life, believing that you are not good enough. Marisa Peer developed an entire program dedicated to helping you fall in love with yourself, called I Am Enough. 

Emotional disturbances

The combination of a negative view on others (such as “People are hurtful”) and yourself (“I am unworthy of kindness”) often results in a bleak image of the future. You believe that you will either be hurt or be alone all of your life. With such a pessimistic outlook, the perfect storm for depressive disorders occurs.

The research confirmed over and over again—people with a fearful avoidant attachment style are under the heightened risk of developing depression and anxiety. Therefore, your entire life could be held back by your style of attachment—not just your romantic relationships.

However, you do not have to live that way. As we will show you, there are many ways for you to transform and leave the dark clouds behind.

How to Deal With Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Attachment style is the reflection of how we attached to our parents when we were very young. Did you catch that? It is just a reflection. It does not need to have much power over you anymore. Fearful avoidant attachment style is nothing but a mesh of beliefs, memories, and expectations hidden in your subconsciousness.

These can be changed. Here are a few proven ways to do so.

Notice that you might be distorting the reality

As you learned by now, our realities are merely the projection of our inner worlds. This means that who your partner truly is, and who you see through your fearfully avoidant glasses, might not be the same thing. Arm yourself with this knowledge. Use the rules of the mind to your advantage.

Work with your mind. Marisa Peer has spent decades decoding how our minds work and how they create our realities for us.

One such rule is—“What is expected tends to be realized.” When you expect to be hurt, you will be.

For example, if your partner would never hurt you, you probably will subconsciously find a way to get hurt anyway. You might emphasize the partner’s flaws so that you can be gravely disappointed and, from your perspective, betrayed. You could also leave that partner and find another one. One who is not good for you. One that will, indeed, hurt you. Therefore, what you expected, was realized.

Instead of letting your attachment style make use of this rule, take the steering wheel in your hands. Set different expectations. Instead of: “My partner will eventually hurt me,” try, “I can rely on my partner.” You might not be convinced at first, and this is normal.

Nonetheless, with time and repetition, your expectations will change. From that point on, all you need to do is sit back and observe how life changes for the better—seemingly on its own.

Practice setting healthy boundaries

One of the issues that are linked to fearful avoidant attachment is chaotic boundaries. The nature of the style makes you either rush to disclose too much too quickly or to put up high walls with no real reason. What you need are healthy boundaries.

Therefore, the next time you meet someone, try to hold back on revealing your deepest secrets for a while. Make sure that you are fully comfortable with the person first. Then you can show them your vulnerable side.

If you open yourself too quickly, you can become very anxious. You will begin fearing the intimacy and the prospect of getting hurt. It will make you want to run away—again. To avoid this cycle from happening over and over again, pace yourself. If you wait for the trust to build gradually, you will increase your chances of developing a safe relationship. The other side of the coin is then not to run away.

That is not to say that you should reveal nothing at all. Practice building your relationship gradually and work towards closeness. 

Let us imagine you went on a date. The conversation steered towards childhood memories. You might have had some traumatic experiences that still affect you to this day. 

Fearfully avoidant people might be tempted to either spill out their deepest hurts on a first date, or never speak about their trauma—ever. The golden middle we are proposing would be saying something like: “I had a rough childhood. I’m not ready to speak about it now, but someday I will tell you all about it.”

Therefore, define your boundaries as somewhere in the middle between over-sharing and forever holding your peace.

Refuse to run away

When your relationship starts progressing towards real intimacy, you will feel that well-known dread. You will need to run away. Your mind will begin to rationalize this urge.

Do not yield to your instinct at that point. Your subconsciousness is trying to save you from harm. However, it is operating under a false assumption. It is your job now to recognize that.

You now know that your attachment style came from your past relationship, one with your parents. Your partner is not your parents, obviously. Although your mind generalized the fear into every relationship you may have, you can change that.

Employ your reason. Remind yourself that your fears are irrational. Refuse to run away when the only reason for it is your vague assumption about some future hurt.

Consider reaching out to a therapist

The power that fearful avoidant attachment has over you comes from the fact that it is ingrained into your subconscious. You might have trouble controlling your reactions to triggers that ignite your anxiety and tendency for avoidance. This is why getting a therapist could be the best idea.  

Marisa Peer has created a method that could help you, alongside our Rapid Transformation Therapy® (RTT®) certified therapists.

RTT^® is a technique that recognizes the significance that you attach to your problems. Then, it uses a combination of therapeutic approaches that open the door to your subconscious and reprograms your mind.

With an RTT® therapist supporting and gently guiding you , you explore and understand the meaning and interpretation of different events that could be feeding your anxiety and need for avoiding intimacy.

So, book a call to connect with one of the RTT^® experienced therapists who specialize in relationship issues and insecure attachment. They could help you tap into the healing potential

Try Marisa Peer’s Relationship Bundle

Arm yourself with Marisa Peer’s specialized—Dating and Relationships Bundle to rebuild your approach to love.

The Dating and Relationships self-hypnosis audio bundle can help you release any negative beliefs about romance. These are the erroneous convictions we spoke about in this article. They have been holding you back from the intimacy and connection you so deserve.

The bundle consists of three modules – #1: Attract Your Perfect Relationship, #2: Boost Your Confidence & Self Esteem, and #3: Lovability. These audios will help you address the main hindrances in your subconscious.

How Do You Date Someone With Fearful Avoidant Attachment?

Being on the receiving end of relationship anxiety and the resulting ‘pull-push” behavior can be tough. Nonetheless, when you love such a person, you will want to help them feel secure with you. You can help them by understanding the attachment style they are burdened with.

In other words, be prepared for this dynamic until your partner manages to grasp control over their insecurities. Patience and reassurance will be your best weapons against fear. Go slowly and do not push for closeness.

Reassure them that you are there to stay. Calm their doubts, and unwearyingly prove your commitment. And then prepare for the swing in the other direction.

Try to respect their instinctual reaction to the closeness you worked towards. They will try to run away. They might cause a quarrel and use it as an excuse to leave. However, try not to play along. Tell them that you will be there waiting ever so patiently. Then exit the argument, and give them some space. With time, you can dull the edges of their fears and soothe the storm when it reoccurs.

Show them this article and talk to them about RTT^® and Marisa Peer. Support them in getting help and becoming free from the tormenting cycle of needing you but fearing pain.

Do you need support?

Some people have had a secure attachment style all their lives. They were never burdened by the overwhelming insecurity in relationships as you were. However, the good news is that you can rewire your mind. You can stop fearing love.

You don’t need to face anything alone. If you have concerns about yourself or a loved one, you can easily get in touch with one of our fully-certified RTT^® therapists.

What is RTT^®?

RTT^® is a ground-breaking therapeutic method developed by world-renowned therapist Marisa Peer, based on her extensive knowledge and experience over the course of 30 years. RTT^® combines the very best elements of NLP, CBT, Hypnotherapy, and more, into one method completely focused on providing support and change.

How do I get in touch with an RTT® Therapist?

That’s easy. Simply click the banner below to be taken to a portal where you can request more information, and to be put in touch with a fully certified RTT® therapist. Open yourself to love and healthy relationships—right now.

Occasional jealousy can be healthy for a relationship and could add a little spice to your love life. However, when you cannot get a hold on jealousy, it may cause you to sabotage your own relationships. You might put on a tight leash on your partner, read their text messages secretly, or get angry when they speak highly of someone else. 

Marisa Peer, a world-renowned therapist with over three decades of experience, understands that jealousy can be difficult to deal with because it masks other underlying emotions. That is why Marisa shares simple yet powerful ways that can help you learn how to deal with jealousy fast. 

In this article, you will learn:

• What is jealousy and how it differs from envy
• Why we feel jealous
• Simple yet effective ways to overcome jealousy

Before you learn about how to stop being jealous, it is important to understand what jealousy is and where it comes from.

What is Jealousy

Jealousy is a feeling that can be described as a mix of anger, anxiety, and fear. It creeps in when you perceive someone as a threat to your relationship. 

Physically, it can feel like a knot in your stomach, tingling sensations through your fingers, or a heavy weight on your chest.

Many people confuse jealousy with envy or use these two terms interchangeably, but they actually mean different things. 

What is the difference between jealousy and envy?

Jealousy involves 3 people, from which two are in some form of a relationship (intimate, friend, or other), and a third person that is perceived as a threat. 

Envy usually involves 2 people—you and the person you envy. 

Jealousy is the feeling that appears when you feel someone could threaten your relationships. It could be an intimate, family, friend, or even professional relationship. 

You could also be jealous of another parent for hanging out with your kids or a friend who gets all the attention.

Envy is when other people own what you want to have but do not. You could envy a neighbor who bought the dream car you always wanted or a coworker who got promoted.

What Causes Jealousy

The feeling of jealousy comes up when a potential threat to your relationship appears. 

This explanation though is just the tip of the iceberg.

The real question is, why do you think that someone can threaten your relationship?

It happens because unconsciously, you compare yourself with another person and conclude that they are better than you in one way or another. 

Instead of looking inward to understand why you may be feeling this way, a deep feeling of insecurity begins to fester inside and unhealthy mind chatter begins.

You start telling yourself that your partner, your kids, or friends will choose that other person over you to connect, play, or hang out with. 

This panic-like behavior is understandable because feeling jealous is similar to how we would react when facing a life-threatening situation. 

Now, let’s go one step deeper and explore why you would compare yourself to other people in the first place. 

What Are the Reasons For Jealousy? 

Evolutionary speaking, jealousy is a biological response inherited from our ancestors to ensure our survival. 

Men exhibit jealousy primarily to ensure their DNAs are passed on. Women, in contrast, need the men to provide food and shelter for themselves and their children. In short, jealousy exists to secure our partners so we can survive and pass on our genes. 

Our past experiences may also fan the flames of jealousy. If an ex betrayed us in the past, we will subconsciously believe that our current or future partner might do the same. This is why we jump into paranoia whenever we suspect even the slightest hints of betrayal. 

With that said, celebrity therapist, Marisa Peer, suggests that the most common cause of jealousy is low self-esteem. 

People with low self-esteem compare themselves with others a lot. They think others are better than them and that people or partners will leave them sooner or later because they are not good enough.

When it comes to learning how to stop being jealous, most people believe that eliminating the threat is the solution.

However, this is not true, and here’s why:

A threat is only a threat if you perceive it to be as such. If we view the world from a lens of competition, scarcity, or insecurity, then everyone and everything can potentially be a threat. 

So if you find yourself to be jealous in counterproductive and unhealthy ways, know that the reality of the problem isn’t the threat per se. It stems from your own insecurity and mindset.

The fact of the matter is, it all starts in your mind. 

”Your mind is the most powerful tool you own”—Marisa Peer

With that said, let’s further deconstruct your jealousy by taking a deep dive into your mind and work with it from the inside out.

7 Powerful Ways To Overcome Jealousy

Picture this: 

You are sitting opposite your boyfriend in your favorite restaurant. 

As you are browsing the menu, your boyfriend went to get a glass of water. You look around the room and catch him laughing with the waitress. “She is definitely flirting with him”—says the voice in your head. 

Instead of feeling angry or upset, you feel calm and relaxed. You trust your partner will stay with you even if the girl flirts with him. You even giggle while looking at the situation unfold. 

The best thing is, after your boyfriend returns to the table, both of you talk and laugh as usual—as if your jealousy never existed. 

You can easily be just like that when you learn how to stop being jealous and let go of jealousy for good. Let’s walk you through the 7 ways to overcome jealousy.

1. Acknowledge your jealousy

Denying your jealousy is like adding fuel to the fire. It’ll only increase and make the feeling stronger. One counterintuitive way to reduce its power over you is by admitting to yourself that you are feeling jealous. 

Whenever you notice jealous thoughts in your mind, pause and take a moment to acknowledge it. Tell yourself the truth, “this is jealousy.” 

This can help you separate yourself from your jealousy, preventing you from losing your temper or spiraling into anxiety.

You can do that by paying close attention to certain types of triggering thoughts that may arise.

Some examples of thoughts that can trigger jealousy to look out for are:

• She is more attractive than I am.
• Why is he getting all the attention?
• Is my partner cheating on me?
• My sibling is getting all the care and love from my parents.
• Does my boss think more of that newcomer than of me?

2. Examine your jealousy

Jealousy, like all other feelings, is here to teach us something about ourselves. It can be our hidden values, fears, or beliefs.

When the feeling of jealousy comes about, be curious about what you are feeling and why. By asking yourself the right questions, you can find out more about yourself and can even uncover the root cause of your jealousy.

This is important to learn because once you deconstruct your jealousy by asking the right questions, you can understand your emotions and yourself better.

Here are some powerful questions to help you understand emotions and feelings better:

• What are the words I can use to describe this emotion or feeling?
• Where did the trigger for this emotion come from?
• What is the meaning I gave to the trigger? 
• What is my belief behind the meaning?
• Where does this belief come from?
• If this emotion has a voice, what is it trying to tell me?

3. Find out the price of being jealous

An effective way on how to stop being jealous is to put the potential consequences of being jealous on the table. 

With crystal clear consequences, you will think twice before reacting to your jealousy. This leaves you a short window to acknowledge it when negative feelings come up and decide on a better course of action.

To find out the price of jealousy, ask yourself these two questions:

What is the price I pay for being jealous?

Jealousy can blind your eyes, hindering you from appreciating what you have in life. It can keep you on edge, paranoid, anxious, unable to focus, or unable to enjoy being in a relationship. 

What about the price the other people pay?

Your partner might feel suffocated when you are always incessantly asking to check their phone. They might feel they do not have the freedom to talk to the opposite sex because you could easily get jealous. Eventually, they start to realize that you are limiting their freedom and could begin to build resentment toward the relationship.

4. Be kind to yourself

If you blame yourself for being jealous, you are not alone. 

You might think it is your fault for being unable to control your anger, anxiety, or fear. Perhaps, you are mad at yourself for not pulling your act together.

It is okay to feel jealous because it is a biological response we all have. Beating yourself up for something you cannot control will only make you feel more miserable. 

What you can do is focus on the things within your control, such as taking care of yourself, being your own cheerleader, and treating yourself as you would treat your loved ones. 

One way you can be kind to yourself is by listing 101 things you love about yourself. Yes, 101 may sound a lot but there is a good reason for it. 

You do not have to force yourself to write them all in one shot. Take your time and write it down whenever you think of something new to love about yourself. It can be as simple as, “I love seeing myself in the mirror.”

By the end of making the list, you have amassed 101 reasons to love yourself and learned to embrace your positive qualities. Eventually, you may come to realize one truth: you are an incredible and unique human being on this Earth. 

5. Identify the source of jealousy

As mentioned above, the most common cause of jealousy is low self-esteem. 

This, however, is not the end of the story. 

Having worked with thousands of people worldwide, Marisa Peer attributed the real underlying cause of low self-esteem, lack of self-love, and many of our fears and phobias to a primary underlying root cause. 

The feeling that you—alone—are not enough. 

It can be thinking you are not smart enough, beautiful enough, successful enough, or even creative enough.

When we think we are not enough as we are, all kinds of feelings emerge: self-doubt, jealousy, self-blame, loneliness, and many more. These feelings can lead to harmful behaviors such as addiction, compulsive shopping, binge eating, jealousy, and being obsessive in a relationship. 

In short, “I am not enough,” is the main hindrance that is keeping you from letting go of many of your minds’ negative chatter that leads to undesired behaviors.

Luckily, there is a simple fix to it—learn how to build up your self-esteem. 

6. Boost your self-esteem

There are many ways to boost your self-esteem. You can try highlighting positive things about yourself, learning a new skill, listing your life accomplishments, or do things that make you happy. 

However, there is one simple yet potent technique that can turn your self-esteem 180 degrees around and help you realize how great you actually are. Once you do that, your jealousy can become a thing of the past.

Practice the “I Am Enough” affirmation. 

The “I Am Enough” affirmation is a form of positive affirmation designed to challenge negative or unhelpful mental chatter. 

This simple practice is so powerful because it tackles the source of jealousy head-on: believing that you are not enough as you are.

Affirming to yourself that you are enough actually changes the command you are sending to your mind. Instead of sending messages such as “I am not smart enough,” you can use positive affirmations to replace negative commands and send positive ones such as “I am enough.” 

Eventually, the new positive affirmation will take root in your mind and become your new belief. 

Once that happens, it will change how you see yourself; from worthless to worthy; unlovable to lovable; from not enough to enough.

When you see yourself as enough, worthy, and lovable, jealousy has no place in you because you are at peace with all your gifts including your imperfections.

“I am enough” is the antidote to your low self-esteem.  

If you frequently find yourself getting caught up in negative mental chatter, the “I am enough” affirmation can be used to replace unhelpful subconscious self-talk with more empowering narratives.

Practicing the “I Am Enough” affirmation can be extremely simple, and all you need to do is repeat to yourself, “I am enough” every day, several times a day. However, it requires regular practice if you want to make lasting, long-term changes to the ways you think and feel about yourself. 

7. Let go of your past

As mentioned above, a bad past relationship experience can cause jealousy to build up inside of you. It can be easy to believe that history will repeat itself. However, this is not necessarily true. 

It is important to let go of your past so you can move on to the next chapter of your relationship with peace. Otherwise, the past will continue to haunt you and cause you to self-sabotage your future relationships. 

In Marisa’s experience, the most effective and fastest way to let go of your past is by visiting your past experiences and replacing the disempowering interpretations with empowering narratives.

You can do this via the I Am Enough program where, with the help of hypnosis, Marisa will bring you back to the painful situation in your past, help you rewrite negative experiences, and create new empowering beliefs and thoughts. 

Letting go of your negative experiences in the past will allow you to feel much lighter and freer. It will give you a chance to feel like you are born anew—stronger, wiser, and better. Best of all, nothing will be able to trigger your jealousy anymore. 

Letting go of your past is a choice, and only you have the power to make it happen.

How to Stop Being Jealous Fast

Jealousy has a bad reputation, but it is actually a natural defense mechanism. Like any other emotion, it is here to teach us something important. 

For many of us, jealousy shows a lack of self-esteem in us. We feel we are not good enough for our partner, friends, family members, or bosses. We may feel we are unworthy, unlovable, or undeserving of happiness.

The reality is, this is not true. 

You are worthy. You are lovable. And you deserve happiness. 

You are enough.

You just have to rediscover this feeling again.

The “I Am Enough” affirmation practice is one of the most effective ways to engrave self-worth and self-esteem on your subconscious mind. 

As Marisa says, one of the most powerful rules of the mind is “Every thought and word forms a blueprint that commands your mind and body to make those into a reality.”

If you say to yourself words like “I am not attractive enough,” your mind and body will act according to your beliefs. The same holds true for empowering words and thoughts. So be kind and tell yourself every day, “I am good enough.” “I am smart enough.” “I am beautiful enough.”

The “I Am Enough” affirmation on its own is a powerful tool you can use to reprogram your mind. If you wonder how it works and what else you can do to straighten your self-esteem and get rid of jealousy, we have a free “I Am Enough” masterclass for you. 

In this masterclass, Marisa explains how words can change your reality and help you unlock the past experiences that formed low self-esteem in you. So you can start working with your past and let go of jealousy.

Sign up for the free masterclass now.

While it could be true for some people, for most of us, it can seem like nothing is further from the truth. We go through multiple partners and become jaded, or never meet anyone in the first place that we can see ourselves building a life with. Do you ever find yourself asking these questions?

If you feel that way, you are not alone. In fact, you may have already got used to accepting you will never find love. Finding love is difficult, simply because modern dating can be ambiguous and confusing. There is a popular idea of what “true love” is, and that idea does not always conform to what happens in real life.  

In this article, we explore:

• Why is it so difficult to find love?
• The most common mistakes which hold us back from finding love
• What does a healthy relationship look like?
• How to free yourself from limiting beliefs and increase your chances of finding love

So, what exactly is the fear of never finding love?

What is the fear of never finding love?

Whilst the fear of never falling in love isn’t an official phobia in itself, it is sometimes considered as part of Autophobia. This is a fear of rejection and isolation. It’s closest cousin is Philophobia, which is a fear of falling in love.

Why Is It So Difficult to Find Love?

Perhaps the first question on everyone’s minds is—why is it so difficult to find love?

It seems like it is getting harder and harder to find love, and the statistics agree. According to one research, there are now 117.9 million adults who are divorced, widowed or have been single all their lives in the US, up from 115.8 million the previous year.

Even around the world, people are staying single for longer. This is partly because the idea of love has evolved over the past 50 years. Today, love and romantic relationships no longer take center stage in life. Things like financial status, career, lifestyle choices (such as a desire to travel) have become equally important. 

Understanding the big picture can help give perspective on why it seems difficult to find love today. However, the global trend is only a part of it. The truth is, many of us complicate our own search for love and make it harder for ourselves. 

For instance, many of us have this misguided idea that true love is supposed to complete us and make us happy despite the fact that we are responsible for our own happiness. 

Such unrealistic expectations of our romantic partner usually stem from a deeper problem. For example, feelings of inadequacy and not being enough. We often look to someone else to (unsuccessfully) fill that need, which of course, results in a disappointing, frustrating cycle. 

Not working on loving and accepting yourself is simply one of the many mistakes which stop you from finding love. Below, we list other common issues that can hinder your search for a healthy romantic relationship. 

What are the chances of finding love?

Falling in love, unfortunately, cannot be reduced to a mathematical equation. There is no way of truly telling what the chances of finding love are, because every single relationship is unique. However, if you are serious about finding love, you can improve the likelihood of meeting the one by taking an active role. Love is waiting for you, and it wants to be found.

Carry on reading to find out from popular therapist Marisa Peer more about common mistakes and slip-ups that occur when searching for love, and how you can improve your chances of finding that one person that makes your world brighter.

The Most Common Mistakes That Hold Us Back From Finding Love

1. You are not actively searching for love 

One of the most common mistakes people make while searching for love is believing that it will happen, regardless of what they do. 

However, the reality is that if you do not put yourself out there, socialize, and meet new people, it becomes impossible to find a suitable partner in the first place.  

Today, online dating has become the norm. Although it has become much easier to meet someone new online, it is no excuse not to meet people in real life. The fact is, you must still go out on dates to develop a relationship with someone. 

Recognize that your search for love is the same as your professional development. It requires action and commitment. Schedule dates, expand your social circle and make it a point to get to know new people. 

It sounds scary, but don’t be afraid of rejection. Think of your search for love as an exciting adventure that comes from a place of abundance and not out of fear. 

Once you cultivate the right mindset and actively take responsibility for your search, you’ll create an environment filled with romantic opportunities for yourself. 

2. Not being clear about what you want and lowering your standards

A common phrase that casually gets thrown at single people is “your standards are too high.” Many consider this a fault, even though having high standards is key to living an uncompromised life. 

In fact, the real problem may just be the opposite. Many people are willing to lower their standards and accept relationships that are neither healthy nor constructive for them. Consequently, they end up in toxic or short-term relationships that bring them further away from the type of relationship they really want. 

Before going out on your search, reflect on what is truly important to you. Be conscious and intentional about the relationship you are trying to attract. 

Ask yourself, “What values are important to me in love and relationships?” Knowing the answer to this question will give you a better clue of what to look for in a potential partner.  

When you have a clear idea of the kind of relationship you want, you can immediately recognize potential partners who are a good fit. 

3. Focusing on the wrong things  

On the other end of the spectrum, some place too much emphasis on less important markers, such as physical attractiveness. 

While physical attraction is a part of romance, it should not be the deciding factor for a healthy, long-term relationship. 

One study showed that physical attractiveness had no correlation to the level of satisfaction couples had in their relationship over the long run. 

Of course, this does not mean that physical attractiveness is unimportant when it comes to finding a partner. It simply means that there are plenty of other equally important factors such as intelligence, fidelity, etc. 

In other words, it is important to keep an open mind when considering long-term partnerships. An attractive partner may keep you happy in the short-term, but you would need much more than just physical attractiveness for a truly fulfilling relationship. 

Another common question people searching for love tend to ask themselves is “when will I find love?” There is no time limit to finding love, and placing timers on your personal development and betterment in the pursuit of love, can only lead to disappointment. Try to relax. Trust that it will happen and focus on yourself above all else.

4. Not actively working on yourself and your baggage

We all have baggage. Whether it is childhood trauma brought on by our parents, or a bad experience from a previous relationship. We are all likely carrying something that stops us from living a truly fulfilling life.

Marisa Peer, a globally-renowned therapist, says in her book ‘I Am Enough’, “While everyone is different, the truth is simple: You can’t undo your past, but what you can do is change your narrative about it.”

Working on yourself is one of the best ways of finding and cultivating a healthy and loving relationship. After all, it is impossible to be in a healthy relationship if you do not appreciate or value yourself. 

Feelings of fear and inadequacy can lead you to be locked in a cycle of toxic relationships, or even prevent you from developing a healthy relationship with a compatible partner. 

On the other hand, having a strong sense of self-worth and being aware of your issues will help you communicate better with your partner before problems arise. It also ensures that when you do eventually find someone compatible, you can maintain that relationship and develop it into a long-term commitment. 

5. Engaging in negative self-talk

Many people believe that their lack of a current, healthy relationship is a reflection of themselves. Negative experiences, or lack of romantic partners, some people believe, are due to their own inadequacies and shortcomings.

This could lead to negative self-talk. For example: “I’ll never find love”, “I will never be loved”, and “I am not good enough to find love.” This will only serve to reduce your self-esteem. When the time does come where you might meet someone, these thoughts will be ingrained. You won’t be able to visualise any possibility of a healthy relationship with this person, because you believe you are just simply not enough.

By actively attempting to change and replace these thought patterns with positive, affirming phrases instead, you will find your confidence and self-esteem will receive a boost. So when the time comes, you are in the perfect position to welcome in love.

What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

It can be hard to find love, especially if you are not sure what to look for. Before searching for a romantic partner, it is crucial to recognize what a healthy, constructive relationship looks like.

While the ideal relationship will be different for everyone, look for these ‘green markers’ in a relationship. A healthy relationship is often based on these essential pillars:   

• Mutual respect: Understand that both of you are truly partners, in every sense of the word. Both of you respect each other and treat each other as equals, supporting each other in the relationship. 
• Honesty and trust: You and your partner trust each other and can honestly communicate with each other. Cultivate a relationship where you understand that not all your conversations will be easy, but that you will always be able to express yourself while keeping each other’s best interest in mind. 
• Unique identities: Although romantic relationships can feel addictive (especially in the early stages), you and your partner must take responsibility for your own lives and identities. Being involved in each other’s lives is important, but be careful not to become codependent. 
• Healthy conflict resolution: Being able to resolve conflicts healthily is perhaps one of the most important aspects of a relationship. It is easy to be in love when things are good, but it is only during times of conflict that your relationship is really put to the test. Couples who can communicate well and work together to resolve problems create a strong foundation to build their relationship on. 
• Room for growth: Growing a relationship is just like growing anything of value—both of you must have common goals, plans for the future, and put in a lot of work. Be sure to set milestones not just for yourself but also for both of you to work towards together. 

Now that you have a better idea of what a healthy relationship looks like, you can better recognize the signs of a potential long-term romantic partner. Here are a few other tips on how to open yourself up to romantic possibilities out there.

How To Free Yourself From Limiting Beliefs and Increase Your Chances of Finding Love

1. Be open-minded

One of the biggest obstacles in our search for love is that many of us restrict our own chances of finding it. 

We set stringent (and often superficial) standards that limit our pool of potential partners. As mentioned earlier, we tend to focus on less important factors such as physical attractiveness and end up dismissing people even before we get to know them. 

Rather than having a long checklist that is difficult to fill, make a ‘must-have’ list based on your potential partner’s values. Observe their character and whether they take responsibility for their behaviors—these traits are crucial to developing a fulfilling, long-term relationship.

However, being open-minded is not limited to just how you evaluate a potential partner—it also refers to being open to romantic possibilities. 

A positive mindset is incredibly powerful in helping you create romantic opportunities. 

After decades of working with CEOs, rock stars, Olympic athletes, and Oscar-winning celebrities, Marisa Peer has observed that having a set of empowering beliefs and behaviors can unlock your mind’s potential and attract love and romance into your life. 

Marisa has helped numerous people all over the world to unlock their mind’s potential and attract the love they desire, and build a happy, lasting relationship. She does that by using hypnotherapy to work with the subconscious mind, reprogram dysfunctional beliefs and replace them with empowering ones. 

If you are doubtful that you can find love, you might have a dysfunctional belief in yourself. The good news is, you can reprogram your mind—release old limiting beliefs and install empowering ones instead. You can open your mind to the possibility of finding your future partner on your next train ride, social outing, or even your next swipe on a dating app.

To make this happen, try working with an “Attracting & Maintaining a Loving Relationship” self-hypnosis course created by Marisa Peer to remove mental blocks that prevent you from finding love.

2. Evaluate your own beliefs about dating 

Take some time to reflect on your beliefs about dating—do you think you are not attractive enough or worthy of love?

Low self-esteem is one of the biggest obstacles to finding love. The belief that you are not deserving of love may exist in your subconscious and manifests itself in acts of self-sabotage even without you realizing.

Furthermore, feelings of worthlessness in either yourself or your partner can result in a toxic relationship that is difficult to get out of. 

Over the years, the world-renowned therapist Marisa Peer has discovered that the feeling of not being enough is the leading cause of most people’s problems, including love and relationships. 

So the key to addressing this issue is to instill an absolute, unwavering belief that you are enough, lovable and worthy. Once you cultivate this mindset, you approach the world with a powerful new perspective that attracts an abundance of romance and love into your life. 

Marisa has helped thousands of her clients break free from this paralyzing belief, and develop happy, long-term relationships with their romantic partners. She has distilled the core principles behind her technique in her ‘I Am Enough’ free masterclass.  

Know that you are enough, you are deserving of love, and that you have the power to change your life. 

With the ‘I Am Enough’ free masterclass, you shift your mindset to reflect this, and you will begin to attract love and romance into your life.

3. Learn to be vulnerable when it counts

When it comes to new relationships, one of the trickiest things to do is being vulnerable. Many fall into one of two extremes—they are either completely closed off or share too much.  

You do not have to subscribe to one or the other; choose a comfortable middle-ground where you can express yourself without being defensive or oversharing.  

Vulnerability is essential for meaningful connections. It helps develop joy, intimacy, closeness, and gratitude in your relationships. 

Learn to be vulnerable in your interactions, and see if your potential partner can reciprocate—if both of you can be vulnerable with each other, you are off to a good start!

On the other hand, if you or your potential partner find it difficult to be vulnerable, this often indicates a fear of rejection. Overcoming this is not easy, but it is achievable by working on yourself. 

4. Continue to work on yourself 

Perhaps the best thing you can do to increase your chances of finding love is to continue to work on yourself. 

As the saying goes, “Happy people attract happy people.” If you want to attract a positive, self-confident person, you must first develop these qualities in yourself. In other words, be the person that you would like to meet! 

The best way to accelerate your personal growth and attract a healthy and fulfilling relationship is by working on breaking down your previously held limiting beliefs surrounding relationships, and learn how to cultivate an authentic, rewarding relationship for when the time does come. You can do that by joining Marisa Peer’s 21-Day Meaningful Relationship Challenge.  

With daily trainings over a three week period, along with audios, meditations, and a community connection with those experiencing similar situations to you, you will develop a transformative confidence when it comes to love and relationships, and give yourself the best chance to start something beautiful when your path crosses with your future partner’s. Simply click the banner below to find out more about Marisa Peer’s intensive and life-changing challenge.

Closing Thoughts From Marisa Peer

We have all experienced the fear of never finding love, but the truth is, you have so much power and potential to control the course of your life. 

When you believe that you are enough, that you are deserving of love, that you are capable and worthy of the life and relationship you dream of, love and opportunity instantly gravitate towards you.